While communication is something that plays a part in every case we see here, it took a note from a friend to recently start an interesting discussion in the office about one kind of communication gap.
The note from a male friend (gender is important here) said: "I'm going to reconnect with an old buddy tonight, haven't seen him in months, we are going to a movie." Rather unremarkable on the surface.
Yet, as a psychologist (and more probably as a woman), I had a very strong reaction. How, I wondered, could anybody imagine that they could reconnect while watching a movie? Why weren't they going out to talk -- perhaps over coffee or a meal? I went off to discuss this, but only female colleagues were available that day, so all I got was unanimous validation for my thoughts.
As I began to think about it, however, I realized that this sort of disbelief on my part represented another type of communication gap having to do with gender. Each of us -- regardless of the diversity that exists between us as the speaker and the other person as the listener -- makes a set of assumptions.
In most cases we assume that others will see, do and say it like we would. This is a dangerous assumption for communication between genders, as well as probably across other types of diversity.
Georgetown University linguistics professor Deborah Tannen has written a series of books on communication between males and females. Her thesis is interesting. Basically, she says that women communicate on the basis of connectivity and intimacy, while men communicate on the basis of status and competition.
She uses the classic example, in her original book of asking a gas station attendant for directions. To a man, she theorizes, this would represent a loss or lowering of status. While, to a woman, asking for directions would merely mean another occasion for connectivity. It's something to think about and seems to fit a certain amount of situations, although I do not want to make the mistake of again generalizing with another assumption.
What we do know is that we repeatedly see romantic partners who each want the other to communicate with them in the form they are most comfortable. Classically, he doesn't like emotional expression, and she wants to hear, "I love you." There is no question that he loves her. He just does not express his emotion in that way. So, the question becomes whether painting a room, especially when that painting occurs when the NBA finals are on, equals the verbal "I love you." He may think so. She may not.
Unfortunately, in our society we tend to make another assumption -- that verbal communication is the most positive and, in some cases, only way to communicate. So, in effect, we say to the non-verbal partner: let's learn how to communicate better. And by that, we mean: let's learn to say our feelings aloud to each other.
It may sound very sensible and logical, given today's psychological bent. But think for a moment if you were the verbal partner, and the therapist said to you: "Now you need to communicate non-verbally, you need to keep silent." It would be very, very difficult, speaking for myself. I don't have magical answers to this dilemma, but I would strongly suggest that both speech and non-verbal actions, gestures, etc., are forms of communication. As with all other forms of diversity between communicators, people need to listen with all their senses to understand where the other person is actually coming from.
If you would like to communicate about this (in any form you like), please contact us at 752-2727, or e-mail me at shharvey@ucdavis.edu.
Sally Harvey is the director of the Academic and Staff Assistance Program. Her columns appear quarterly in Dateline.