I find myself having the most interesting dialogues inside my head each time I try and decide what I would like to write about for this column. I keep thinking that there are so many things going on I would like to talk about, that I really can't choose. Among the possible topics: the upcoming holidays and the holiday blues, workload and the current budget crunch.
Suddenly, it struck me that there was one sort of decision-making principle that might help with several of these issues. It has to do with making a distinction between our needs and our wants.
On the surface it seems pretty simple to distinguish between needs and wants. A want is something that would make us feel better or something we would like to have, while a need is something without which we cannot function or, in some instances, even exist.
It is, however, way too easy for us to mix up our own wants with our own needs. The classic example of this is a woman about to have a baby. Women will often state that they need their partners with them when they deliver their babies. That is not a need but a want. Obviously, the delivery will be accomplished whether or not the partner is there.
It is also very easy for me to say that I need to go to a bookstore, and I feel compelled to go and look at and buy new books. As hard as it is to admit, I am fairly certain that if I didn't do that I would still continue to function, particularly since there are usually 100 or more books in my house to be read.
Applying the distinction to everyday life
When we begin applying needs and wants to difficult situations it becomes even more complicated. Let's return to some of the topics I mentioned above and try and apply this needs and wants distinction.
First, let's consider the holidays. All of us have certain ideas and fantasies about what our holiday should be like. We visualize certain people, places, things and conditions. Usually, everybody is getting along wonderfully, even though this may never have happened before in our families. Many of us think this is what we need and become devastated following the holidays when these things do not occur. If we can figure out what it is we really need and recognize these are wants -- things that would be nice, but aren't necessary -- we would have a better chance of surviving whatever happens unscathed.
This same sort of reasoning can be applied to the idea of stress induced by a combination of budget reductions, high workload and scarce resources. Time after time I hear people, particularly managers say, "I must do this. I must do that. I need to do this." Consequently, they end up working through their lunches, before work and after work to accomplish all the things they believe they need to do.
Again, I would suggest we look at what we want -- what in this case matches our picture of ourselves as a successful manager or worker -- and what it is we really need to do. If we are able to make this distinction, we can then focus on the things we need to do and choose among the things we want to do without beating ourselves up or seeing ourselves as failures if we do not accomplish all of our wants. Note that I am not suggesting that we work at the lowest common denominator -- that we only do what needs to be done. I'm not usually satisfied with that and I know a lot of you aren't either. I am, however, suggesting that we distinguish those two areas, so that our wants don't become musts.
When I was planning this column an old expression popped into my mind -- "Needs must, when the devil drives." It implies that necessity compels us to do things we might not otherwise choose to do. Clearly identifying the difference between our wants and needs and not always being compelled by our wants can help us through many difficult decisions.
If you have any questions or would like to discuss this, give me a call at (530) 752-2727 or email me at shharvey@ucdavis.edu.
Sally Harvey is director of the Academic and Staff Assis-tance Program. Her columns appear quarterly in Dateline.