Ask The Mediator is written by campus mediator Sally Waters in consultation with other UC Davis mediators. Featured are real issues that UC mediators are currently encountering in their mediations. Faculty and staff are welcome to submit questions.

Question: It happened again this year. I'm the only non-Christian in my work unit, and I don't celebrate Christmas or the traditional Christian holidays. All year long we don't do a single thing socially as a group, and then at Christmas time there's a flurry of socializing. There are Christmas parties and Secret Santas and decorations and food, and I like the warm feeling, but I don't like that no one thinks about how it might make me feel.

I don't understand the traditions, I don't share the religious beliefs that are at the heart of this holiday, and I'm sad that I'm so invisible to my coworkers. If I say something, I'm afraid I'll be stereotyped as a troublemaker or accused of trying to make them all be "politically correct." This doesn't feel like Principles of Community in action.

Answer: This is really tricky. On the one hand, it seems perfectly reasonable that you could speak up and say something to your group about how you feel and what you want. On the other hand, you would be speaking up about something that your co-workers probably have strong feelings about, and you might not get the outcome you're after.

Let's analyze this. You like the warm feeling when the socializing happens and you don't like the cold feeling of being overlooked. If you tried to put a stop to their ritualized socializing at Christmas, you might lose more than you'd gain. Is there a way for you to keep what you do like (socializing) and get more of what you want (inclusion)?

It sounds like this is an opportunity for the entire work group to do some collaborative problem solving. Raising this issue with the group (especially now, with Christmas just past) would be a chance collectively to identify what everyone wants (parties? department traditions? food-sharing?) and how the group might go about getting these things in the upcoming year in a way that feels respectful and inclusive for all.

You might look for an ally in your department - someone who celebrates Christmas but who also understands your sense of being excluded. If that person raised the issue to the work group, it might get more receptive treatment than if you alone raised it (you mentioned fearing being labeled a troublemaker). You might talk to your manager about how to raise the issue and enlist his or her support.

A mediator might also be helpful to consult. There are ways to talk about these sensitive and important issues, and that's the main way mediators earn their living: helping people to talk about very difficult topics and to solve the consequent problems. Finally, I'd strongly encourage you (individually and as a department) to talk to the Office of Campus Community Relations about additional ideas for how to address this concern.

Yours is not the only department where cherished traditions need to share space with new ways of celebrating community in order to live out the UC Davis Principles of Community among people who are as different as they are alike.

For more about Mediation Services, call (530) 752-9257 or see http://mediation.ucdavis.edu.