As employees, one of the most difficult tasks we sometimes find ourselves faced with is giving someone feedback who may not want to hear such feedback.

If we are blunt, we can be perceived as a bully. If we are soft, we can be perceived as beating around the bush or avoiding the issues. Despite our best intention in the delivery, we often brace ourselves for the defensive attitude we know is sure to be the response. How do we have an honest dialogue without it sounding negative? The first step often lies in our assumptions about why we are having the conversation in the first place.

"Of course, they know what they did or said is wrong," we often say. Because someone's behavior seems so obvious, we often conclude that they must know and don't care. Coming from this perspective, we see ourselves almost as a parent who must now carry out a reprimand. It is only natural for an employee to feel defensive if the conversation sounds like they are being scolded. Instead, we can approach a meeting telling ourselves that although their behavior seems outrageous to us, we are open to hearing a different perspective. Simply inserting this thought in our minds prior to the conversation, we are more likely to set a tone that will elicit open dialogue.

Here are some more tips to having a successful conversation.

• Think it through ahead of time rather than shoot from the hip. Have a few specific examples in mind, preferably recent ones. Talking only in generalizations, such as "you are being rude" or "your work is careless" leaves too much room for subjective interpretation.
• Seek a private setting to talk and address an issue within a short time frame of its occurrence. Letting something go on too long creates the impression that the behavior is acceptable.
• Make sure to address only one issue at a time.
• Don't compare one employee with another employee.
• When addressing performance or behavior issues, stay away from inserting your emotions. Saying "I was disappointed" diverts the conversation from the behavior and implies that the recipient is responsible for your emotions. It can also sound condescending.

Looking to get your phrasing right? Here are a few examples of what to say:

• Start with what is right. "Your communication with faculty always sounds quite professional, but I have noticed when you talk with other staff, your tone seems less tolerant."
• Build common ground. "I agree that it is important to capture this information, but it seems more efficient to only record it."
• Ask for what you want. "It appears I wasn't clear on my expectations. This experiment requires more data than what you have presented so far."
• Encourage team-building. "Let's go over this together to make sure we are on the same page."
• Allow empowerment. "I need to hear from you what went wrong and what you think needs to be in place so that this doesn't occur in the future."
• Inquire about your own contribution to the situation. "Was there something you needed but felt uncomfortable asking me about?"

Finally, but equally important, give positive follow up. Let someone know that you take note when he has made the smallest effort toward correcting the discussed behavior. Even passing praise, such as "you handled that well" can have a lasting impression.

Lora Barrett is the director of UC Davis Mediation Services. Call (530) 297-4480 or e-mail mediation@ucdavis.edu if you have questions about conflict and communication. More information is available online at mediation.ucdavis.edu.