In case you have nothing else to claim your attention in the new year, I have a question I would like you all to ponder. "Is who you appear to be who you are, who you wish to be, or who you think others wish you to be?"

I will guess this is not a question you spend much time thinking about, but I think it is particularly important in the work setting where certain messages are conveyed about behavior, appearance, etc.

I know I'm supposed to be neutral, but I have to admit to having a bias about the choices given above. I find that trying to appear to be who other people want me to be is stressful and exhausting. Not only that, but when I think I'm doing it, it's not clear to me that others are seeing it the same way.

Appearing to be who you want to be, I think, has some value. It is always good to have goals toward which we aspire, to learn new skills, try new behaviors, attitudes, or information. It gives us something to shoot for, but again can be wearisome if your picture of what you want to be is really based on somebody else's expectations.

So, clearly, I favor the final choice in having who we appear to be who we actually are.

My problem is that I have a very strong caveat to go with that, maybe even two or three. My main concern is that people often use the phrase, "I am who I am" or "what you see is what you get" as an excuse to condone rudeness, discrimination, or other behavior.

Now, in my 30 years as a clinician, I have seen a wondrous variety of people and behaviors and, frankly, I have never seen anybody who was born rude, or crude, or prejudiced. It is true that we are a product of both what is called "nature" and "nurture" (i.e., the qualities with which we are born and the things we learn). I will admit it is difficult to change the traits we are born with, but attitudes and beliefs that are learned can certainly be unlearned and relearned.

Don't let a role define you

My second caveat deals with whether or not we really know who we are. There is an exercise I often do with clients in which I ask them to tell me just that. The original answers I get back are usually in terms of "I am a mother," "father," "son," "daughter," "professional," "friend," or something along those lines.

While these are important parts of each of us, they are also, by definition, roles we assume. You could not have any roles and still have an identity, but seldom do we look beyond those circumscribed roles.

In the next part of the exercise, we ask people to take off the roles -- to define themselves when they are not being the roles they assumed. Interestingly enough, the answers then typically change to attributes (i.e., I am kind, I am curious, etc.), and those come closer to the basis of true self-knowledge.

Why am I bothering with all of this at this time of year? I think because the ultimate comfort and balance in life comes from being happy in our own skins, enjoying who and what we are, and knowing that, regardless of our role, we have a set of great attributes to accompany it. This is my New Year's wish for you.

If you'd like to discuss this give us a call at (530) 752-2727 or e-mail me at shharvey@ucdavis.edu.

Sally Harvey is director of the Academic and Staff Assistance Program. Her columns appear quarterly in Dateline.